TAKE THESE BROKEN WINGS & LEARN TO FLY

December 18th, 2011

I miss the big fun with the big groups.  

I’ve found someone new. He’s interesting. He’s gorgeous. Asian (not my typical black, haha.) My maturity in relationships could mess it up, along with his immaturity with it. I miss having fun with one single person. He makes me take things less seriously, which I can’t decide if I love or hate…

My best friend is quite sensitive. She’s knows things are her fault, but doesn’t fix it, which eerks my nerves.

I miss the thrill.

Hardly see my parents, but that’s growing up I guess.

Applied for a job and I am super nervous for if they call back for an interview. When I have to be professional I become a complete cliche with my shaking hands and voice where words cannot leave my mouth without continuous shaking. I look like a total joke.

xoxo

-setting myself free

120 by December 9th?
I CAN DO IT! hopefully I’m 124 tomorrow & not 125, a pound makes all the difference.
meal plan tomorrow:
breakfast-yogurt
lunch-sandwich, cucumber salad.
snack-fruit/veggie
dinner-Friday’s!

track practice tomorrow. hopefully getting a lot accomplished tomorrow at school and after. getting the stress out of the way :) so much on my to do
list, my head is pounding!

ALREADY CAN’T WAIT FOR SUMMER SO IT CAN BE HOT AND I WON’T BE FREEZING ALL OF THE TIME AND THERE WILL BE NO HELL AND I CAN DO WHATEVER MY BODY DESIRES WITHOUT THE WORRY AND TIME CONSUMPTION OF HELL

by hell i mean school.

Moving on. I feel great. I am on my own, I love being dependent on myself. I am amazing. I am so much. Nothing can ruin me as long as I have my wings and my sunshine.

DRESS FOR BIRTHDAY PARTY IS A SIZE 0

wasn’t aiming for that. no way it’s possible. bigger size 0, but i’ll take it.

3 pounds down in 3 weeks. progress. 9 more pounds to go.

THINKING

So i already only eat chicken and fish. Now chicken is starting to gross me out so I’m thinking about becoming a pescatarian.

I NEED to eat less & healthier and be 115 pounds because I’m so large

The damage is done

Boyfriend and I are no more. I was begging for him back. Yet when he finally left, I felt a weight being lifted…maybe I’ll finally be okay this time. I don’t miss him, I miss the attraction, passion, and comfort. Not him. I don’t think about him, but I feel like I should, so I do.

I told him about my ed. Mistake, but good at the same time. I needed to know what it was like for someone to know. Now I know, nobody can know, nobody will ever fully understand. My mind is a black hole that no one will ever understand. He threatened to tell my parents. I finally got him not to. He’s making me write down what I eat for the next week. I’m only doing it because he can’t tell anyone. It’s my comfort, it’s a part of me now, and I don’t want it taken away.

-Take these broken wings and learn to fly.

Today’s the day

For the past week & a 1/2, two weeks, I haven’t been myself. My thoughts are changing, relationships are changing, life in general is changing. Now, as I take this as a excuse, it’s really an explanation. The monster, the disorder. I never thought it’d be me.

My boyfriend & I’s relationship is hanging by a string. Not because of him, & not even me. It’s the disorder, that’s who’s fault it is. It’s changing me so much lately. Although I’ve dealt with it for now a year, I feel as if I can’t handle my-own-self anymore.

He’s coming over soon; for when he leaves, my relationship status remains unknown for then. The disorder is splitting us apart.

Today’s the day I confess. The day someone will finally know my insanity. I have to tell him. I can’t stand to see us break apart because of this, and I know that would only be the beginning. I must tell him. I have to. I’m scared, terrified. I’m shaking. 

I don’t understand. It isn’t supposed to work like this.